If you’re constantly feeling panicked from anxiety, it might be hard to picture a day when it doesn’t rule your life. But Emma Clay, PMHNP-BC, MSN, is proof that it can happen. An early graduate of Mountain Valley, Clay faced down the worst of her panic attacks and separation anxiety in treatment. To her surprise, she found that she could survive—and thrive. Today Clay is a psychiatric nurse practitioner helping clients of all ages navigate mental health struggles, making the same kind of positive change she experienced at Mountain Valley.
Tell us about your background and how you came to Mountain Valley?
“I grew up on the North Shore of Boston, and had always really struggled with anxiety, plus some depression throughout high school. I have some chronic medical issues that contributed. I’d been in therapy and done a partial hospitalization program, and I thought I could just go to college and be fine. That did not work out. I went to Colby College in Waterville, Maine, which is where Carl Lovejoy went as well. I pretty immediately crashed and burned. My anxiety was through the roof—I couldn’t function and I had so much separation anxiety. We decided I’d take a medical leave of absence for the first semester.
I had an awesome therapist at the time, and she told me that she wouldn’t sign off on me returning to college unless I did some form of residential treatment. At first, I was like, cool, I’ll just stay home and go to a local college. Then within a month I came back and said, that’s not really what I want. I knew I was limiting myself, even though I love my family. My parents are beyond wonderful and have always been so supportive. I agreed to do residential treatment and that’s how I found out about Mountain Valley.”
Tell us more about your MV experience?
“My entire time there was the exposure. It was the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done. I hated every second and it did everything I needed to help me improve. I didn’t really hate it—I had an awesome therapist and the staff were wonderful. I attended in Fall 2012, so early on and I was one of the older kids. A lot of staff members took me under their wing, which was great. It was really hard not being able to talk to my parents at first, but they were allowed to come visit me after a month.
The old campus was in Pike, New Hampshire, which is a very small town with mostly cows. You pull up and there’s not a lot going on, just two buildings right off the main road. I thought ‘This is it?’ But I don’t think I would have been successful at college or living on my own if I hadn’t attended Mountain Valley.
Even early on, Mountain Valley had a huge focus on being outdoors and in nature, which I hated at the time. I remember it was my first weekend and I was in the middle of the woods and it was raining. It was so uncomfortable, and I couldn’t contact my parents, so I was stuck. Every part of it was challenging, but it really does feel like family, and it was ultimately a comfortable environment as I got to know everyone.
My therapist worked it out with Colby that I’d be able to attend again once I was done with treatment. I did an overnight visit and thought I was totally fine and could go home. But the staff convinced me to stay at MV for the full two months, I went home in December and started back up at Colby in January. I graduated on time in 2016.”
What was the main source of your anxiety?
“I have Type One diabetes, endometriosis and rheumatoid arthritis. Being away from home made me feel unsafe. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get my medications, or I’d get sick, and I’d repeat ‘I can’t do this’ over and over again. I would sob and hyperventilate, and be unable to calm myself.
That did happen while I was at Mountain Valley. And it was just like, then you move on with the rest of your day. I could experience that panic and know I could keep going.”
Tell us what came after college?
“I had always been interested in psychology and the medical field in general. After my Mountain Valley experience, I thought if I could make an impact on just one person, it would be worth it. I majored in psychology at Colby and then my first job out of college was working at McLean Hospital as a residential counselor. I had always been drawn to nursing as well, and while was I was at McLean I learned you could be a nurse practitioner who specialized in psychiatry.
I went to nursing school and worked for three years at Boston Children’s Hospital on their inpatient psychiatric unit. Now I’m a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I worked for two years in community health as a child prescriber, and I’m transitioning to private practice. I specialize in working with kids and adolescents, helping them figure out how to function. I think medication is very helpful and I work collaboratively with therapists. If you’re one of my patients, you have to be in therapy—I firmly believe they go together.
I don’t know if I would have ended up here without Mountain Valley. It changed my life and its trajectory in the best way possible.”
How do you handle anxiety today?
“I don’t want anxiety to stop me from doing anything. And I know it’s just anxiety, it’s okay. For me, one of the biggest things was my fight or flight mode getting really activated, so it’s difficult when your body is physically telling you something is wrong. Now I very much know my signs, and if I start to feel like I’m having a panic attack I can cut it off long before it gets to the point where I’m hyperventilating.
I’m still in therapy and I still take medication. I know anxiety is always going to be in my life and affect me, but it doesn’t rule my life anymore. I make the decisions and I can cope with anxiety and still do what I want to do.
I also know how to listen to the anxiety. There are times when I decide not to do something because it’s not worth it, or I’m feeling really tired and run down, so my anxiety will be higher and that might not be a time to push it so much. That’s also okay, we can work around it. I’ve had 14 years of learning all that, but now I know I’m safe.”
What would you say to a family who’s considering Mountain Valley?
“If you’re considering it, then you’re probably at a point where you really need it. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your child—provide them with a safe place to get treatment and get better. On the other side as a provider now, I know your kid might not like it, and that’s ok. If they’re not uncomfortable, it’s probably not working. It’s a gift you’re giving, and even if they’re mad about it now, they’ll appreciate it in the long run. If it’s not hard, you’re not doing it right.”